I have never felt so at ease as the day when you called me precocious

I have never feared big words, only those that refuse to use them. 

And the syllables rolled of your tongue like honey. I was hooked.

Language became our vein of communication and I know that everybody uses language to communicate. 

But ours was different.

as if in between the letters and the syllables there is a secret message only we could decipher, 

My days were filled with the sound of your voice. 

And your nights were littered with the loops of my handwriting.

We exchanged our favorite words. Mine being illuminated and yours being catiwhompas .

And our least favorites: 

Mine, “moist” and yours, “almost”

And when I asked you why, you said it was because almost showed failed potential.

That it represented our ability to be just not good enough.

That we had come to the brink of something beautiful, 

but fell short so many times we crafted a word for it.

But even we with our supposed mastery of the English language 

were not immune to the shortcomings of our vocabularies. 

Words can only help you if you speak them.

I never told you that I loved you… You never told me that you were dying.

Five easy words that would’ve shattered our worlds:

“I love you, I think.” 

“I have brain tumor.” 

You know still to this day I don’t know all the details,

Because medical jargon has never fit right in my mouth 

and even now 5 years later it feels like an invasion of your privacy.

but I do know I have poured over our conversations. 

Searching for the secret message you certainly tried to send me

And I am sorry, but I only almost found it.

Salt water is not good for paper and my tears warped your words.

After some serious consideration, I have decided to change my least favorite word.

Because while moist is gross; malignant is malicious.

Malignant is uncontrollable it means a phone call in the phrase “he didn’t wake up”.

Malignant is messy and unfair and a thief.

Malignant means I never got to say goodbye

Malignant is the cause of almost.

Because you were on the brink of something beautiful,

But you couldn’t quite reach it and you fell too far.

I am so sorry. I wasn’t there to catch you.

I hope your heaven is a library.

And I hope it’s void of almost’s.